February 2010
I'm lucky
That my Dad gave in and is sending me back to sober college. BEST REHAB EVER. I have hope that I can make it.
Back to LA
I was really scared for my life. Goodbye internet, you will be missed, but fear not in a month or so I can have you back.
Go to rehab, or not to go to rehab, that is the...
My father does not want me to go to rehab. He said he will not pay for it or support it. He wants me to stay and do AA and go to school. I don’t think I have the strength to do both and if I relapse I know I am going to commit suicide. Should I abandon my family and lose my inheritance and everything that’s been given to me since birth and sacrifice it all or do I take the risk and...
Remember Braxton
She’s going to get you fucked up before you can get her sober. You need to focus on yourself right now. Everyone will follow their own journey into recovery.
Escaping the flow
*This is the final draft I turned in for a personal essay in English, I got a 100*
It isn’t surprising to hear the phrases “going with the flow” or “trying to find my way” when you ask someone how they are processing a decision they have to make. People often exercise these phrases when they don’t have an answer for a decision or the answer doesn’t really matter in the long run. When we...
What I wouldn't do
for a fucking needle, drink, or line right now. My ID is telling me to run, but my super-ego is telling me to sit. Don’t take that first hit.
Oddly enough I am not craving any psychedelics right now. They were my favorite. Oh and opiates, nothing can numb the brain like a good ole line of heroin or oxy. I am SO GLAD TO BE SOBER, but the obsessive thought about the substances still is there.
Short term pain, long term gain.
Remember that Braxton.
One craving down.
A lifetime of cravings to go. Remember Braxton, all that matters is that you don’t use TODAY, worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.
Who's ready to be bored and not see anyone till he...
I am! I am going to miss you so much Duncan, please get sober and call me. I love you.
I feel amazing.
I just got back from my first meeting in Richmond and I am going to another one tonight. It was amazing, this time is different from all the other times I was said I was stopping. Talk is cheap, I am going to prove it to myself with action.
AA
First meeting I am attending in Richmond. I don’t trust myself anymore, I can’t listen to the side of me that says “You can do this and keep the friends you have” “You can be around weed and not relapse” I know it’s a lie..
Mmmmm
Today I woke up a different person. Confused, shameful and wondering why? Why. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWDIDIEATHOSEFUCKINGMUSHROOMS.
V day
I am about to go eat lobster at the house where my Mom lives. She freeloads off a friend who is addicted to Oxy and Xanax. Should be interesting and dysfunctional like my life. I am pretty sure I am just going to go and observe MiMi and fuck with her head because I know she does opiates and physically abuses my mom. What a bitch.
Surrealist
Really don’t grasp how the unconscious mind reveals itself. You can’t call on your unconscious to draw or write. The unconscious does not just express itself automatically but can only be uncovered through the analysis of resistance and transference in the psychoanalytic process. If you could call on your unconscious to take control and reveal itself through writing and art then it...
Fuck.
The sleeping meds are starting to work, but I don’t want to go to sleep in fear of what is going to come when I wake up.
-.-
Dad found my tumblr. I am scared, he knew nothing about any of my relapses. The essay I posted the other day had my name (which is also my dads) on it and someone was searching his name on google for who knows why and got linked to my tumblr. Basically now he knows I have been lying to him about my drug use since I have been home and about EVERYTHING. WHY DID I THINK IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO PUT ALL...
So I am completely weird, but that's alright.
I was at a house show downtown in some bands basement with my friend Hunter, who always has interesting, different people surrounding him. One of his friends and his girlfriend were fighting, went off for a few minutes and came back lovey dovey. My “they just used something” senses were tingling. I struggled at first to get a good look at his arms, but he leans back and comments to me...
I really love this song, I have since 8th grade....
I need
To meet some new people. I feel trapped in the drug community. All of my friends are somehow affiliated with regular abuse. Mt best friend duncan who I was suppose to move in with is worrying me. He was complaining about how his girlfriend was mad at him because he won’t pay attention to her because he needs to snort his meds. He did it 3 times while I was there and told me about his using....
Holy fucking shit.....
I have literally been writing since 10:00 last night and sat down and just looked at a word document since 9:00 because my essay was due at 10:00 today. I finished at around 7:00 and turn the tv on to find out that my MORNING CLASSES ARE CANCELED. wow…..
